'pause'
last nite, while i'm holding n nursing aerisha.....whilst observing her, i recalled kak su's Q lst few days;
".....kak su (suzana) da lama nak tanya eb benda nih.....sbb ari tu kan ms eb nak brsln da discuss ngan shah x nk bagitau eb psl tu kan sbb eb pn tgh bertrg dgn nyawa sendiri.....but since now.....its hv bn 6 mths..........how do u take it, how do u feel?"
'pause' 'sigh'
how do i take it?....a big Q that i couldnt answr......how do i feel? mmmphh not sure....since i felt nothing at all n i meant it......'pause'
nevertheless, eb kena jgk tau jwpn utk soklan tuh......but.....on how do i take it....camner nk jwb ye?....eb sendiri pn nak tau...allahuakbar.....overnight eb fikir sampai ler eb tertidur......
'sigh' how should i start......
.......arwah bagi eb bkn stkt kwn baik, kami lebih kpd hbgn kakak n adik......satu2 kwn yg kami enjoy bercerita dlm bhs srwk........trbyg mcmana arwah mtk izin utk ltkkan nama eb sbgai saudara terdekat kt sini........'pause'.......mcmn stiap pg kami akn kal each other tanya khabar, bf da? bf sine? pkl brapa? marik camner?...etc...
bkn sng eb nk thn diri dari kal 5393 stiap kali sampai ke opis.....eb akn pgg meja dulu....bgn...ambik air....ddk blk...pegi lak dok kt tmpt aishah...then only pth blk wat keje......yes....it is a long n tiring journey just to get back to wrk......'sigh'
arwah was d 1st person kt InED; eb share psl preggy......'smile....trbyg camana kami mlompat2 suker....he he he....maklum kami sama2 menunggu dtg '***' tiap2 bln.....stiap kali kalo '***' kami akn ketawa n support each other, x pe next mth insyaallah....arwah nih lain skit.......every single mth akn pegi klinik check sbb dia mmg nk sgt preggy............eb slalu gelakkan cara dia tuh....amusing....'wink'....'smile'......sampai la bila betul2 confirm 2 lines....yes yes yes....hepinyer rs......mcm 2-2 je yg dpt news 2.....ha ha ha...mlompat2 la kami be-2......sronoknyer........mmg kami sama2 kluar mkn sbg mk buyung pas tuh.....pergi mkn kt masjid.....s17..........n 2 b frank....i feel lost.....'sob sob'...aduhai...
kiosk 12......tmpt kami slalu bf n lunch sambil borak2.....gelak2.....lama gk eb amik ms nk mlangkah ke kiosk 12........eb takut nk lalu dw 9 tuh......takut x dpt nk thn diri.....allahuakbar......alhamdulillah eb dpt gak kuatkn diri utk lalu tapi eb masih x boleh nk singgah sampai ari nih.......i couldnt n i wont......forgive me....'sigh'
ms kt spital, arwah was d 1st person eb send sms announcing my new bb.....eb mmg pelik sbb arwah x bls sms....bkn apa...arwah akan bls sms ad hoc.....tapi ari tuh....dia syp je.....eb expect dia busy...since she alwiz do....sampaila bila eb da rileks, mkn, nursing n admiring my own bb, shah dtg......senyum....panggil eb srh duduk.......n there it goes......knp dia smpn hp eb, mcmn dia discuss ngan kak su n others supaya jgn bagitau eb dulu....n the news......the big Q how do i take it? how do i feel?......i think i cant feel anything at that moment....everything seems to b going too fast......n i dont get it.....'sigh'
thnx honey for ur support, ur precautious method n ur way of never ask me abt arwah....love u....'pause'... n 1 thing 4 sure, aerishadania will alwiz reminds me abt arwah....n that is d reason y i give her such a lovely name which means kekuatanku@ketabahanku yang hampir........alhamdulillah....
al'fatihah' buat arwah sekeluarga....1 thing that i do know is....... i love her as she is every now n then....
'pause'
cumer persoalan knapa stiap kali eb ajk arwah brgmbr skali....arwah akn kt nanti.....photo arwah satu family yg arwah bg kt eb pn x tau kt mn....... mungkinkh? .....mmmm....hanya Allah yg tahu....
bg eb...walaupn org nk kata eb tipu diri sendiri...trplg la...tapi eb ttp akn kata arwah blk sabah n settle down 4 gd.....i really hope that i hv answered my own big Q.......@ am i?